Can I call you Donald? Do you prefer The Donald, as you’ve become known to some? Mr. Trump just seems so formal, and more befitting a courtroom setting than two guys just sitting around shooting the breeze. I bet you’re Don or Donny or Big T in the locker room of your hoity-toity Manhattan racquet club, right?
Anyways Donny, I wanted to thank you. No, really.
It’s not because I necessarily agree or disagree with your political ideologies, nor is it a result of your attitude towards women or Mexicans or Muslims or the less-fortunate. It’s not even because of your hair – as glorious as it is – or your tax-dodging or your business acumen (Selling mail-order steak through an electronics-store franchise was particularly visionary). It’s not even a result of your hatred of my profession or your penchant for blaming the fifth estate every time something doesn’t go your way.
Sure, that misdirected agenda of yours has often boiled over to the point where you’ve encouraged supporters to commit acts of violence against certain reporters, but that’s just part of your crusade to improve America. I get it.
I know you didn’t say those things on those tapes. That could be any billionaire’s voice.
No, I need to thank you for helping me trim down my list of friends and acquaintances – even if by just a few.
You see, since you’ve decided to run for president in what I can only assume began as a publicity stunt that caught a little too much fire, it’s become much easier to identify the racists, sexists and other -ists in my life and eliminate them.
No, no, I don’t mean eliminate them in the way you suggested those “second-amendment people” eliminate your political adversary, I just mean I was able to disassociate from them, either in real life, online or both.
A quick Facebook search of your name gave me a list of the guilty parties who were fans of your work, be it your various real-estate successes – you still have a place in Atlantic City? – The Apprentice or, of course, the reality show that is your run at the presidency of the United States.
It took no more than a few clicks of a mouse to get all the Trump out of my life, and let me tell you, it’s been glorious since. No more “Hillary is the real crook!” posts; no more links to conspiracy theorist websites; no more “I don’t want a woman running my country!” screeds from some of my more misguided American friends.
My newsfeed has truly been made great again, and I have you to thank.
(On that note, perhaps my next letter of thanks should be addressed to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. That ‘mute’ function is a beautiful thing.)
Oh sure, I could try to reason with these people, rather than just cut them off. Maybe they’d even be able to persuade me onto Team Trump after a number of well thought out, reasonable arguments. (No, really!)
But I much prefer your method – simply stick to your guns no matter what less-than-crooked facts are thrown back in your face. Simply stating “No, I’m right” repeatedly, no matter what? Why haven’t more politicians thought of that?! It’s a great slogan. Let’s get some T-shirts made up.
Granted, Donny, your run at the White House isn’t the only way I’ve been able to spot deplorables in my Facebook account. Before you came along, there was the “What about white people who are shot by cops?” crowd, and the “vaccines cause autism” truthers before that.
And of course, there’s always a few people who want the Syrians to “go back where they came from.” Can’t wait for you to fix that problem, Don. Let me know how it goes.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks. If you’re ever in the neighbourhood, give me a shout and come by for a beer.
Bring some of those steaks.
Nick Greenizan is a reporter at the Peace Arch News.