‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was tired
The pandemic was raging, and his elves had been fired
He begged to his reindeer, “Please help me tonight!”
But they froze in their tracks then ran out of sight.
Santa wept silently and hung down his head
Instead of feeling joy, he was filled with such dread.
Mrs. Claus was of no use as she was laid low
The virus had hit her with a malevolent blow.
“Christmas will be ruined and C.A.R.P. members sad
If I don’t help them out, they’ll be cranky and mad.
Mrs. Snodgrass wants chocolates and a cosy duvet,
Old Charlie wants long johns and a ride on my sleigh.
Jeannie longs for a Tesla, which is gasoline-free
Hank wants a walker wrapped under his tree
Mabel would be happy with a gentleman friend
Someone to love her while her hip’s on the mend.”
Santa was despondent and full of despair
He tugged on his beard and pulled on his hair.
When all of a sudden, there came such a clatter
And a voice which called out, “Why, what is the matter?”
“Dear Santa, it upsets me to see you this way
Please let me help you tonight if I may.
I’ve nothing else planned on this cold Christmas Eve
I can’t sit back idly and just watch you grieve.”
Santa was stunned as he stared at this human,
It wasn’t Donald Trump nor old Harry Truman
The face looked familiar, not a Yank…a Canuck!
He knew this young man would bring him good luck.
The Canadian smiled and said with a grin
“I’m here to get you out of the pickle you’re in.
I’ve had lots of practice just so you know,
Please call me Justin, as in Justin Trudeau.
My priority will be to your Zoomers out there
So all the C.A.R.P. members will know that I care
I’ll begin by giving them the vaccines they crave
And add one more vote for each life that I save.
This includes COVID-19, they’ll be first in the cue,
Shingles and pneumonia, which is worse than the flu
At no cost to seniors because that’s what I do
And the good news, Santa, is this includes you!
And while I am at it, I’ll give them more money
For a holiday in future where it’s sandy and sunny
I’ll pay for their drugs and their prescription medication
Financially, they can call it a medication vacation.
My generosity to C.A.R.P. members abounds without end
They’ll call me their hero, their saviour, their friend.
They’ll no longer worry about me spending their billions
Because Canada’s deficit is now in the trillions.
You can see I’m no Grinch, no Ebenezer Scrooge
I’m your servant, your lackey, your obedient stooge.
But, Santa, I’m not insensitive nor am I a fool
For I’ve enlisted the help of Singh and O’Toole.
They both know full well that your elves all got fired
So they’ve bandied together and mulled and conspired
To assist you, dear Santa, in this year 2020
Cause time on their hands, they will have that a’plenty.
I’ve prorogued the House again and now I’ll be gone
To spend Christmas away with my friend Agha Khan.
But Jagmeet and Erin who are my compassionate foes
Will navigate your sleigh using Rudolph’s red nose.
A little to the left with some leaning to the right
I promise you Santa, it will be a remarkable sight
I’ll now take my leave and wish you a good flight
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.”
April Lewis is the local communications director for CARP, a national group committed to a ‘New Vision of Aging for Canada.’ She writes monthly.