Happy belated 36th birthday, Kate Middleton.
Sorry I missed it but I have been caught up in the media frenzy surrounding the recent betrothal of your brother-in-law Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
You must be thrilled to have someone to share the spotlight and take some of the pressure off of you.
It must be so difficult for you to have to look beautiful every waking moment of the day, pregnancy notwithstanding. Well, I am sorry my dear, but as a future queen, you have no choice but to follow Royal protocol and strive for perfection. And that includes pumping out perfect, cherubic, blonde, blue-eyed babies.
Something your future sister-in-law perhaps will have more difficulty in mastering. Cherubic… absolutely. Blonde… well, maybe not. Blue eyes… not so sure about that one.
I should have paid more attention in my biology genetics class when we studied Mendel’s peas.
Do you envy Meghan, who appears to have more latitude than you, dear Kate?
Let’s start with the obvious. She is not English; she is American. She is not a spinster; she is a divorced woman. And, the other note of interest… she is not an Anglo-Saxon Protestant; she is a bi-racial Catholic. Half black!
I can just hear the dearly departed Princess Diana saying, “You go Harry, my boy… rock that Royal boat!”
I am so happy for Meghan, as I am sure you are Kate, but surely she could have scored a bigger diamond engagement ring. I’m not suggesting a 20- carat rock like the vacuous Paris Hilton, but at least a couple of carats!
Not wanting to upstage her handsome prince, I see she has deleted all her Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts. No fear of nude photos from decades ago going viral. Lucky Meghan not having to jump every time her Smartphone pings. No social-media addiction for this future duchess.
And I must thank her for already being financially prudent by not wanting to waste the Royal purse on needless hairdressers. I can see she prefers to let her hair hang loose in her eyes or pull it back in a sloppy chignon with the hair still falling in her eyes.
And speaking of hair, could you please ask Meghan to tell Harry to lose that hirsute look? As he is a good-looking chap, he doesn’t need to sport a beard which rivals the lovable but scruffy singer Ed Sheeran. We know that poor Harry will probably have the Windsor male curse with the premature balding of his Royal head. Better to transplant his Royal beard to his Royal crown.
And she should ask Camilla where she buys her hats, as they are fabulous!
Now I know Meghan spent Christmas at Sandringham with you, the Queen and her entourage. I am glad to see she survived the cruel Norfolk winter chill as well as Her Majesty’s wretched Corgis. But I was wondering once she got to know Liz a little better, if she might ask her to change the ghastly celery-green sideboard in the dining room back to its original mahogany patina.
I imagine the Queen will say the colour goes well with her priceless collection of turquoise Sevres French porcelain. Mais non!
I love the way Meghan breaches protocol – wouldn’t you agree, Kate? – by wearing black clothes and trousers (or pants, as we Colonials call them). And she shops at Marks and Sparks!
I wish you an easy and painless childbirth, Kate. Please give my love to Meghan and wish her luck as she enters into the Kingdom of Doomed Royal Marriages.
She will need it!
April Lewis is the local communications director for CARP, a national group committed to a ‘New Vision of Aging for Canada.’ She writes monthly.