PENINSULA ZOOMERS: Beginning of a hole-y war

Peace Arch News columnist April Lewis struggles with the mole who won't leave her yard alone.

The war is on.

Both sides are steadfast in their positions. Weapons have been drawn.

There is no turning back as I fight my numerous nemeses. All in the shape of holes… dark cavities which taunt me.

Let me start with those ones on the golf green into which a little ball is to fall…kerplunk! Happy to be housed in its unfamiliar dark domain after many futile attempts at hitting it towards its final resting place.

Why the little opening is so far from the tee is beyond my comprehension. Why the fairway is seemingly endless as I strive to locate the flag which marks the spot of this tiny gap in the perfectly groomed verdant terrain.

And to add insult to injury, smack in the middle of the golf course is a larger aperture, a void, a chasm in the shape of a pond. This abyss which is apparently designed solely to gobble up my hot pink golf balls, mocking me with its voracious appetite and its desire to torment me.

I have my weapons in hand, whether it be a seven iron or a hybrid five iron, both meant to meet my opponent head on. Both fail. I haven’t got a clue what to do with Big Bertha. She drives me nowhere except to bedlam.

As for the pitching wedge… I pitch it with glee. And the putter… okay I get it. I am finally inches away from the elusive hole and voila…in it goes! I am elated. Par 3? You mean par 10.

I think I should stick to the nineteenth hole.

Now I remember why I gave up golf. Seriously, there must be a better and more constructive way to spend my time than chasing around a little ball.

Returning home, somewhat deflated, I feel it is time to lovingly nurture my postage stamp lawn instead as this will undoubtedly prove to be a far more gratifying experience.

I prepare the soil, reseed the lawn, fertilize and water it with love and attention.

Daily I observe my handiwork and am greeted with the verdant lushness of a renewed natural carpet which blankets the tiny space.

As the summer heat promises to prevail, I shall make sure I water it daily with the care and attention it deserves.

I feel a sense of accomplishment.

But as darkness falls, an uninvited nocturnal stranger arrives and burrows a hole deep into my grassy masterpiece.

A mole!

I awake to an ebony mound of dirt with a hole which reaches all the way to China, I am sure!

Undaunted, I reach for my weapons… a hose which I insert into the opening, hoping to drown him into submission. And a shovel to conk him on the head for good measure.

But my efforts prove fruitless.

Mr. Mole has eluded me and as I cover the filthy fissure, I tell myself… another hole… another day. The next morning, I rise to meet the day and my arch-enemy, only to find three more mounds of dirt the size of anthills.

Under which I find three more holes… three more bottomless openings into which I shove the hose. Shovel set aside, I opt for a different weapon. I have finally found a use for Big Bertha.

But to no avail.

Once again, Mr. Mole has proven to be a more cunning and resourceful adversary than me.

I have lost the hole-y war for the time being.

Back to the golf links I go… maybe I can replace the driver with my shovel!

April Lewis is the local communications director for CARP, a group committed to a ‘New Vision of Aging for Canada.’ She writes monthly.

Just Posted

People were lined up around the fields at a drop-in vaccine clinic at Newton Athletic Park on Tuesday (April 27, 2021), which is one of the high-transmission neighbourhoods that are being given vaccine priority. This clinic was one of at least three to open in the city on Tuesday. (Photo: Lauren Collins)
Surrey’s weekly cases continue to drop, push for 80% vaccination rate citywide

BCCDC reports 263 cases for Surrey the week of May 30 to June 5

Fleetwood Park Secondary School’s 2021 commencement ceremonies were held over the course of two days, June 10 and 11. Grads went through a small, distanced ceremony in groups of four, with up to four members of the grad’s household. (Photo: Lauren Collins)
Surrey’s 2021 grads find creative ways to celebrate in another year of COVID-19

This year’s Grade 12 students were unable to have any large-scale events

Friends of Bear Creek Park held a ‘yellow-ribbon event’ on Saturday (June 12, 2021), with protesters at 84th Avenue and King George Boulevard and 84th Avenue and 140th Street. People were asked to tie a yellow ribbon in their yard “to celebrate and to show support for our trees in Bear Creek Park.” (Photo: Lauren Collins)
Protesters hold ‘yellow-ribbon’ event at Surrey’s Bear Creek Park

People asked to tie a yellow ribbon in their yard to ‘show support for our trees’

All nine White Rock Renegades softball teams are set to take part in the Canadian Pride and Power Tournament, scheduled for July 1-4. (Aaron Hinks photo)
White Rock Renegades set to host multi-team Pride and Power softball tournament

‘There’s going to be a lot of excitement in the park,’ said Greg Timm

The Lower Mainland Green Team and students from Earl Marriott Secondary remove invasive plants from White Rock’s Ruth Johnson Park. (Contributed photo)
Green Team returns to White Rock’s Ruth Johnson Park to monitor previous work

Environmental volunteers, South Surrey students remove invasive species

At an outdoor drive-in convocation ceremony, Mount Royal University bestows an honorary Doctor of Laws on Blackfoot Elder and residential school survivor Clarence Wolfleg in Calgary on Tuesday, June 8, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Jeff McIntosh
‘You didn’t get the best of me’: Residential school survivor gets honorary doctorate

Clarence Wolfleg receives honorary doctorate from Mount Royal University, the highest honour the school gives out

The Great Ogopogo Bathtub Race has been held in Summerland as a fundraising event. Do you know which Canadian city introduced this sport? (Black Press file photo)
QUIZ: A summer’s day at the water

How much do you know about boats, lakes and water?

Two-year-old Ivy McLeod laughs while playing with Lucky the puppy outside their Chilliwack home on Thursday, June 10, 2021. (Jenna Hauck/ Chilliwack Progress)
VIDEO: B.C. family finds ‘perfect’ puppy with limb difference for 2-year-old Ivy

Ivy has special bond with Lucky the puppy who was also born with limb difference

Cannabis bought in British Columbia (Ashley Wadhwani/Black Press Media)
Is it time to start thinking about greener ways to package cannabis?

Packaging suppliers are still figuring eco-friendly and affordable packaging options that fit the mandates of Cannabis Regulations

A million-dollar ticket was sold to an individual in Vernon from the Lotto Max draw Friday, June 11, 2021. (Photo courtesy of BCLC)
Lottery ticket worth $1 million sold in Vernon

One lucky individual holds one of 20 tickets worth $1 million from Friday’s Lotto Max draw

“65 years, I’ve carried the stories in my mind and live it every day,” says Jack Kruger. (Athena Bonneau)
‘Maybe this time they will listen’: Survivor shares stories from B.C. residential school

Jack Kruger, living in Syilx territory, wasn’t surprised by news of 215 children’s remains found on the grounds of the former Kamloops Indian Residential School

A logging truck carries its load down the Elaho Valley near in Squamish, B.C. in this file photo. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Chuck Stoody
Squamish Nation calls for old-growth logging moratorium in its territory

The nation says 44% of old-growth forests in its 6,900-square kilometre territory are protected while the rest remain at risk

Flowers and cards are left at a makeshift memorial at a monument outside the former Kamloops Indian Residential School to honour the 215 children whose remains are believed to have been discovered buried near the city in Kamloops, B.C., on Monday, May 31, 2021. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Darryl Dyck
‘Pick a Sunday:’ Indigenous leaders ask Catholics to stay home, push for apology

Indigenous leaders are calling on Catholics to stand in solidarity with residential school survivors by not attending church services

Most Read