Think I’ve finally found my third calling.
After somewhat dubiously successful careers in both print journalism and the movie industry – neither of which explicitly required so much as a passing grade to break into – I’ve seen my future, and it’s as nepotistic as the other two combined.
Not just any branch of politics, mind you.
I don’t have the wherewithal or charisma to actually sit through an election, being judged by the likes of you. (No offence intended. Just trying to prepare the accepted attitude once I’m officially in office.)
Nor do I want one of those plum partisan bureaucratic jobs that are handed out and then rewarded with gargantuan pay raises. Too often they are then taken away at the first whiff of scandal – albeit most with the offer of a nice, fat cheque to cushion the fall.
No, I want to be a senator!
Life-long employment until age 75, six-figure wages and all the perks and benefits you can have your staff jot down on a claim form.
You know the job description: “sober second thought” yada yada yada…
Me? I can be as sober as the next senator.
And thought? I have one of those nearly every day.
Get this: attendance at Senate functions isn’t even mandatory. To get the boot, you’d have to really, really, really embarrass your colleagues.
It’s almost criminal.
I certainly meet the minimum requirements:
• at least 30? Check.
• residency in B.C.? Check. (My primary residence, second residence and summer home are all nicely concentrated in less than a city block, thank you much.)
• being a “person”? Check. (This was apparently important prior to 1929, when there was some debate over whether women were considered “persons” and eligible.)
My understanding is that, in theory, I’d have to find favour with the Queen in order to be appointed to the Senate.
Good news is, I’m a fan. I even keep copies of her picture in my pocket, not to mention finding them in between the sofa cushions, when I’m running a little low.
But in practice, I guess, it’s not so much the Queen’s call – or even her designate, the Governor General – so much as the prime minister’s.
And this is where my prospects get a little shaky.
Turns out, as a journalist, I’m often tasked with taking a step back and reporting and/or analyzing news items with an attempt to see it through objective eyes.
And successfully doing so often makes those with highly subjective views none too happy with the result.
Of course, Duffy and Wallin went on to become Conservative appointees to the Senate. They must have done something right, at least in the eyes of the PM.
And the rest of their political and journalistic careers, as they say, is history.
My own record of objectivity, I think, is distinctive from theirs.
Robocalls, travel expenses, internal party politics, Senate breaches… no, I don’t think the prime minister will come knocking at my door anytime soon.
I think my third career has stalled before it got off the ground.
Back to journalism, for now…
But in case I need a fourth calling, I could make a career of my first after-high-school job. Anybody know how the video-rental industry’s faring?
Lance Peverley is editor of the Peace Arch News.